so i suppose it's officially time that i close this chapter of my life.
I will never be able to put into words what all i have seen, felt, or heard in the past 2.5 months in India. my heart was mended, cleansed, and broken all at the same time. I've cradled hungry babies in my arms, wiped the tears from their eyes, and snot from their faces. I've kissed more cheeks than i can count and given more bear hugs than i thought was possible. I've poured water down thirsty little throats, and looked dead in the eyes of a beggar woman and told her how much Jesus loves her. I've danced and laughed with children dying of aids, and told devout Hindus and Muslims about the LOVE of the ONE, TRUE God. I've cleaned scabies on a sweet little boy's head days and days in a row. I've walked amidst brothels, laid hands of prayers on prostitutes ,and shared my testimony to a colony of prostitutes. I've touched lepers who haven't been touched or noticed in ages. I've told many slum children about my friend Jesus. I've braided oily hair and painted dirty toe nails. I've laughed and cried. I've ached and prayed. I've stood up for India and fought for the chains that have bound them for so long to be broken. BUT more than all of these things....I HAVE TASTED AND SEEN THAT GOD IS GOOD.
"For the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." :Isaiah 55:9
i will never understand why God chose me to go do this task for him. I'll never understand why i saw the things i did or felt the things i felt. I'll never be able to comprehend why there is so much injustice and why so many people are doing nothing about it. i just won't get it. But God has spoken this scripture to me numerous times when i get frustrated and concerned with these unanswered questions of my heart. He understands things i cannot and i will choose to trust Him in that. For some reason he called me and asked me to Go- so i did. And never will i take that for granted, he knows far better than my mind can even comprehend. So instead of questioning His will and plans, i will stand up and praise Him all the louder. I will praise him for His faithfulness, His goodness, and His grace over the past 2.5 months. I will do all i can to make HIS name be the one ringing in the heavens today, and not my own.
My prayer is that people won't read this blog, see my pictures, hear my stories and think of how great i am. That not one person would choose to believe they couldn't do this very thing I've done. I'm no greater, no bigger, no wiser. I'm just me, chosen. Just like momma and daddy were chosen to be school teachers and they are walking out in that with full obedience. And just like Trevor was chosen and called to be a racecar driver that makes the name of Jesus known. And just like all my friends at this place in life are called to their universities. So was i called to go to the nation of India. Just like all of you who are serving where God has planted you, so i served where He planted me. No different, no better- just with obedience. So today, let's let the name of Jesus ring loud for all the blessings he has bestowed upon my last two and a half months. Let's let him receive the Glory and let's let Him be the one being recognized. For He is BEYOND worthy of that!
My last month and a half in India was when I came alive again. I walked through some tough things within my own personal life. Things that needed to be redeemed, and cleansed. And in this process i experienced what TOTAL surrender looks like. For way too long I'd be holding on to those last little things that i still wanted to control- yet God got my attention and took me on a ride of a lifetime. I've always wanted more in my relationship with Jesus, and yet i had no idea how to obtain a love relationship with Him like i was always taught to have. I just couldn't seem to grasp what it meant to be IN LOVE with Him and not just say it. To all you who have wondered that very thing....its called SURRENDER. and my favorite definition of the word surrender is this: to relinquish possession or control over. And for me, that's what it took. I recognized how useless i am without Christ, and how filthy i am without his forgiveness. I had to take all the things i knew in my head and make them a reality of my heart. God came down and touched me in Jaipur like I've never been touched in my life. He opened my eyes to the things about myself that were unseen to me before, and he showed me what life is really all about. It's about seeking out who He has made me to be, asking what that will take to be that person, walking to the edge of the cliff and just simply taking a jump.
Which brings me to this, i have no idea what is to come. For all of you who have asked what's my next step- your guess is as good as mine. For now, I'm going to take some time to adjust back into normal life and just seek the Lord on where He wants me next. Whether that be school, or to another country again, i hope that I will just find the place He has for me right now doing whatever it is that He wants me to do. He has been faithful thus far, and will continue to be and I know when it's time He will show me EXACTLY what's next. I do know that not only am i closing this chapter of my time in India and the previous three months at YWAM, I am also closing many other chapters of my life. Chapters that i held on to for far too many years, chapters that I am now walking in freedom from and have never been more content. This blog represents victory for me for so many areas of my life that Satan had me bound for so long- NOW....by the grace of JESUS CHRIST i am walking on to a fresh wind of life, a fresh new chapter and actually more than that....i am walking on to the next book. The past 20 years are finished, they've made me the girl i am and now it's time to be the woman God has called me to be.
i love each of you so much, and will never been able to express my gratitude for all your love, support, prayers, and encouragement. Your words and prayers have literally kept me going- and made me appreciate the relationships and people God has given me. I've gained such a respect for each of you because there was never one moment of my time away that I didn't feel loved by you all back at home. Your cards, emails, and comments have made me feel so valued and appreciated and I praise Jesus every single day for each of you. I sure am a lucky little girl! So thank you all so much, you've made coming home such an easy adjustment for me. I hope that I can be as encouraging to you all as you've been to me. Each of you hold such a special place in my heart, right along with my sweet Indian babies....feel special cause that's a HUGE compliment :)
Let me leave you with this....God is in control. His plans are better than our own. He love is never ending and never swerving. He loves you and has exciting things for your life. Just let Him use you WHEREVER he wills and i promise that's when life gains meaning....when you know you are doing the things God has placed before you and being the person He created you to be.
