treasures in heaven.

I had intended to go to my bathroom (the perfect place for quiet prayer sessions) and "vent" to God about how poor I am, how i just withdrew from college for. . .the second time in 3 years, how i make minimum wage working at a daycare and spend my days with sometimes cute but more often than not bratty 8 year olds, and so on. let's just say, he got a hold of me real quick, and as you read this prayer I wrote, you'll see how in just a few short lines He can take my anger, frustration, feelings of failure, and anxiety and send me a little smack in the face and bring me back to the reality- a kingdom perspective. Man oh man, is He good or what!



"I have $80 in my wallet. 80. I don't get paid for over a month and a half. $80. That's it. I'm not in college, I make $7.40 an hour when i do work- which is like NEVER....I'm a poor college drop out yet again, with no clue of what the future holds. . .(side note: this is when it gets good). . .
However, you knew I'd be here ages before my mother even knew me. You knew the stress I'd face, the worry I'd feel. And you also knew and know that I'm going to be just fine. Mom will still put food on the table for me to eat, and dad will still lend me money when my gas tank is on E. And you'll keep blessing me with the sweetest, most beautiful brown faces I've ever known. You'll use the people of India to pour enough love on me to fill up my tank, the only tank that truly matters. You'll use the hungry babies in Kenya to remind me that even in "my poor" state, it doesn't come close to the poverty they live under. My belly will never grow hungry, yet 16000 children will die daily from hunger related issues. My old, wearing down BMW will still be worth more than they have or could even imagine of owning. I'll still have a job making (in one hour) more than most Indians make in an entire day. You remind me that no, I am not poor. I am not in need- Even when America's standards say $80 is nothing, the rest of the world tells me $80 is rich. And though i get overwhelmed quite often by my diminishing bank account, You remind me that You are truly all i need. You'll take care of the rest. You tell me not to worry about the time away from work to be in India, or Kenya, or wherever else I may end up- but that the ONLY thing I am to be concerned with is that these people receive the ONLY thing that will keep them from being poor, poor in spirit. . .YOU- Jesus Christ, the Savior of my soul and of theirs, the Provider, the Great I Am, for

YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE ALL WE NEED!"

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart is also. :Matthew 6:19-21

a new year, a new adventure

so long since I've blogged, and i feel like i have so much to say. for starters, this past 9 months since returning from India have been quite a struggle in many ways for me- but i understand now how God was still moving, working, and in control of it all, continuing to teach me even when i didn't want to be taught. Race season ended, thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone, and now we are about to encounter a brand new year, a new start, new beginning. I like new years, it's like waking up to God's mercies a new every morning yet for some reason I feel like on January 1st, I wake up to a little extra mercy from Him, a deep fresh breath, and lots of excitement for what's to come in the following 365 days.

But more than just a fresh year, I like to reflect on the previous one. Where God took me, what He's done in me, and through me. The ups, the downs, the tears, the laughter. And at the end of it all, no matter the struggles I've faced this year and still feel more blessed than ever. More honored and yet humbled that God picked me, called me, anointed me, and continues to do that in my life even when I just feel like laying in my bed and shedding a few tears for one reason or another.

So since the new year is approaching quite quickly now, I can't keep quiet any longer about my newest embarking that God has made available...This time I am India bound and not just that but also Kenya bound. That to me is like giving me the best sundae in town, then coming back and saying "I brought you some extra hot fudge and some sprinkles to top it off!" Not only has my heart and soul been longing to return to India since the moment i stepped foot back in America on March 7, 2011 but so have I always dreamed of going to Africa and seeing those sweet chocolate brown faces and big giant smiles all around me.

This Year God has heard my pleas to return to the place my heart longs for, and given me also a little extra hot fudge just because He loves me. Just because He likes to see me smile, Just because He wants to include me in his plan so perfect and so big. I feel blessed beyond measure, and so excited to take yet another adventure with Him. The one my heart beats for, and yet has been so desperately trying to find perfect communion with. My soul has been thirsty the past 9 months, like a lost soul in the desert desperately seeking just one drop of water to quench even a seconds thirst. It has been trying, It has been hard, but oh how I see now, that it has been worth it for one reason and one reason only...

God was there. God knew I would be there, He allowed me to walk a difficult time in what seemed like an eternity of wilderness, but He never left me, even the days i felt that he certainly had to have- He was still there reaching out to me, trying to quench my thirty spirit and I wouldn't let him. I was longing to go back in time, longing for what i once knew, longing for a place i missed, longing for a lot of things. And just simply saying No to what He has placed ahead of me, saying no to change, saying no to a new, different kind of growth. Yet He didn't give up on me, He didn't quit, He didn't turn away. He kept pursuing me with His relentless love for me.

And now, 9 months later as I feel like I am finally walking out of the wilderness and into a new season, maybe even a season of the promised land- I feel His presence, His voice, His spirit refreshing every part of me. Continuing to tell me to rest, to be patient, to accept His grace, His forgiveness, His love in its entirety.

He is so good, so faithful, so just, so real, so constant. And today I praise Him for the rough days, the happy days, the joyful days, the solemn days that this past year has held. I praise Him for choosing me to take yet another adventure to yet another beautiful land other than my own to love on His people. And I praise Him for quenching my thirsty soul day after day after day, and showing me that no matter where i search or where i hide- He is the ONLY one who can ever do such a thing for one's thirsty spirit.

He is the living water apart from Him we will never be satisfied.

Revelation 21:6 "And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment."

the flowers.

i feel like its been so long since i have updated on life and what God is doing. And seeing how its an absolutely BEAUTIFUL fall day i feel inspired.

I am (once again) on a search for what God has planned for me. I am motivated because of the vision for India He continues to let burn in my heart. A vision I'm confident He alone put in me. As for college, I'm seeking whether or not I really "need" it to do what I feel called to do. And if I do, what major should one pursue.

This basically is a blog to share whats going on in my life, share with you all the vision God has put in me, and maybe for an opportunity for yall to share any advice you may have if you feel led. If not, your prayers alone are greatly appreciated :)

The Vision for India that God has placed in me and just doesn't want to let me forget is this:
To have a home, or place for girls that were born in the brothels. I obviously want to see prostitutes rescued and ministries there for them, but i'm inspired to work with their daughters. The beautiful baby girls that were/are born into prostitution, before they are pushed into that way of life themselves. To get them off those streets, to instill in them the Hope of Christ, to show them life outside of the red light district. All the while encouraging them in Jesus, showing them how good and faithful He is, and hopefully seeing them grow into women of Christ that are used by HIM to change their own nation.

While I was in India back in February God spoke to me multiple times about taking care of the flowers. Strange i know, but i soon realized it was the little girls in which He has calling flowers. If one doesn't water, tend, and take care of the beauty of a flower- the beauty fades, the flower withers, and soon dies away. Same as for these precious girls in India, God's flowers, My flowers...Someone must go and tend to their beauty, their inner beauty. Someone must go water them- with LIVING WATER. Some one must go and shed Light- The Light of the world.
I feel God has called me to be that someone. I was able to see a very dark, cold, and sinful sight when i stood on the street corner of the red light district- God opened my eyes to a truth I had never known existed. He did it 1) because He knew I could handle the truth (or at least try) and 2) because he wanted to use me as His vessel to change it.



Now that i have seen, I am responsible.


As i seek the Lord on what is the first, or next step in pursuing this vision and starting the ministry, i ask for your prayers for guidance and patience. But more than that, prayer for girls we will minister to, wherever they may be today, whether born or unborn yet. pray for their mothers. pray for their protection. Pray for God to hold them in His arms and keep them safe until we are there. For He is the ultimate sustainer, the ultimate flower keeper. The Living Water, The Light of the World.

God uses the unlikely.

ive recently developed a love for historical fiction books, especially biblical history. so here's a recommendation for all your readers out there: Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers (favorite author of all time)

So far I've read Tamar, Rehab, and Ruth. I'm fascinated and in awe of these women and their faith in the ONE TRUE GOD.- the God they searched and desired even if He wasn't the god of their fathers. They yearned for more. They yearned for peace. And God picked them, He chose them from among the gentiles and used them in the lineage of Christ himself.

NOW that is LOVE.

If you don't feel like there's any way Christ would want to use you, if you feel discouraged, if you don't feel worthy, if you just don't understand why- this is my encouragement to you. God can, will, and wants to use you! nothing you've done, or could even think to do will change the way he feels towards you. You are his chosen one, His beloved, His child. Stop wallowing in your sorrows or shame, and put your eyes towards the maker of the heavens, the one who parted the Jordan river, who told the walls of Jericho to fall, who saved a prostitute from destruction, who answered prayer after prayer, and blessed the ones who put their faith in Him.

Let Him use YOU today. let Him answer YOUR prayers today. be the tamar, rehab, ruth. be the bathsheba, be the mary.


be the unlikely one whom God uses to change eternity.

Not yet my child.

last night i lay in my bed sobbing as i watched the documentary "born into the brothels" once again. only this time i saw it with different eyes...eyes that knew, eyes that had seen. I closed my eyes, and remembered. I watched them film on the crowded streets and pretended i was there beside them. And i stopped...and said, "Lord, ill quit school (again ha) and go there right this instant if you want. just say the words." i sat. i waited. and i heard a soft whisper..."not yet my child, but the time is coming soon." so i lay and wept, and prayed, and wondered where those sweet faces were today. I glanced up at my map on the wall and tried to imagine what was taking place on those streets as i lay in my warm, cozy, comfortable bed....where i don't have to share it with strange men night after night. and my heart ached for those beautiful girls. my heart ached for the rehabs in India, the ones who are searching for a way out, a way to the lover of their soul, a way to the ONLY one who can save them for the walls coming down.


Why Lord does it constantly find it's way into nearly every conversation, why Lord is it always in my thoughts, why Lord am i here when my soul is longing to be there.


Not yet my child, but the time is coming soon.




The Lord willing, we are going to try to go this off season. I AM SO EXCITED! God has been so good to me. I praise Him for the little things...like allowing me to see born into the brothels last night. I can always count on him to constantly keep my fire for india burning. HIS PLANS ARE GOOD. and i love Him for that.

more pictures :)

sweet lady at the nursing home that wanted my pearls.


Gator's first trip!!


precious girls laughing at VBS in the village.


my sweet friends i made at the chinandega dump.


This family came to know Christ 4 months ago,
and their joy truly was from the LORD!


women lined up at the dump for beans and rice.


How can you not believe in a God that creates such beauty?


mud facials by the kids at the caldrans!


my sweet sasilia, and tatiana!

nicaragua.

Last week i got the opportunity to go back to the nation that first stole my heart. the people who first captured all my love. the place God first began prying into my heart. the country i first saw a vision of the things to come in my life.

I finally, after three long years was back in Nicaragua. yet this time, it was different. much much different. I still loved the people. i still enjoyed that beautiful nicaraguan trash smell. i still loved riding in the van and watching people on the streets. i still loved getting down and dirty to hold those precious babies. but something inside me was different. hurting yet complete in a sense.

I had prepared myself for this trip, knowing that i would return and leave knowing one of two things. Either that my heart still pounded the beat of nicaragua- that there was room enough for all the places i love. that every nation God sends me to i would feel equally called to, and that wherever it may be it would feel perfectly right. OR i would return and feel something very different than the previous two trips i made there. something only the Holy Spirit could make right within my own spirit. That i would go and receive confirmation that India was the place for me. That India had my heart, and not just my heart but God 's heart for me. That the beats of my heart still sounded an Indian beat.


And just that happened. i was speechless. almost numb. hurting. yet relieved. yearning. yet content. helpless. yet hopeful. confused. yet satisfied.

I first felt like something had gone terribly wrong, but in the midst of that Go d reassured me that it was okay. different is okay. that He is in control and He knows all things. Let me make sure i make this point...i still love nicaragua, i still love the people, i still felt the need to be there to share Christ with a lost nation. I still enjoyed my week. i still loved, laughed, and cried. But i walked away knowing for whatever reason God has put something extraordinary in my heart for India. He's shed a hope for the plans He has for me there. He's given me a glimpse of His heart for that nation, and it isn't something i can take lightly.

I have no clue as to what that ministry looks like. whether its fu ll time, or just a trip to trip kind of thing. But i do know God's given me a stiring that has yet to be lifted, something special for India that i can't quite explain.

Forever Nicaragua will hold a special place in my heart. Not to say i'll never go back...cause im sure i will. But just in case i don't...I got closure. Questions were answered. And God allowed me one more chance to return to the place that first captured my heart. The place He called me into missions, the place He lit my fire of passion for the lost and broken world.

i feel ready. i feel complete. i feel honored, and humbled. i thank God for that week, i thank Him for his faithfulness. I praise Him for His goodness. I reflect on what all He has done in my life in the past three years, and i rejoice in all of it...both good and bad. I PRAISE HIM TODAY!