Holy Moley it's been way too long since I've done this. But seeing how I've got an exam tomorrow, and a million workbook pages to get done- I've figured no better time than now to write a little ;) I'm the queen of procrastination.
It seems I've got so much bundled up in my heart and mind lately, and I might just explode if I can't get it all, or some of it out soon. My poor boyfriend has to put up with that way too often, so I'll spare him this once.
It's been 2 months and 4 days since I last saw my Gram breathing, and it's been 2 months and 8 days since I last spoke and heard her reply. I miss her, most days I make it just fine. But boy oh boy it's crazy how little it takes for the tears to start rolling again. We've been cleaning out her house a little, which means bringing over LOTS of that stuff to our house and getting rid of what we have. Our family is one of those, REALLY REALLY sentimental fams that loves things with meaning. Things passed down with memories and love, so of course Dad has completely turned our house upside down. Including my bedroom. As silly as this is going to sound...I am NOT looking forward to that. As of right now, my room is completely empty except for my tv and school work scattered across the floor. Tomorrow I get a new bed, a big bed, but it's grams bed. Tomorrow will be when it becomes a little more real that she isn't coming back. Her bed will be mine, and that means she isn't here anymore. I know to most it seems silly, or stupid even but to me it hurts a little..or maybe a lot. I open my hope chest up and I'm taken back by her smell leaking from inside. I walk through my living room and see her smiling face in pictures on end tables. I walk into the kitchen and see her beautiful white cabinet in the corner. I see her everywhere, in everything, yet I miss her so much. But then...I walk through the house and see my mess of things piled high waiting outside my room and amidst the chaos I see the willow tree prayer angel that once sat in her living room. I remember her telling me in that last week how every time she looks at that angel she is reminded of all the prayers going out for her. I won't forget her telling me that, not today, not ever. That's why I HAD to make that angel mine. So although it seems my heart will never quite heal, and I'll always be fighting back tears when I smell her smell or see her memory throughout my house- I will cling to the promises that someone, somewhere is praying for me. I will cling to the fact that I've got a Jesus who LOVES to listen to my own prayers, and loves to comfort me in these times. I remember and pray a prayer that Gram used to pray over me, that God would "open my eyes to spiritual realities and open my ears to hear His voice."
Today I began praying that prayer, like I do so often, on my way to work. I realized how selfishly I live my life. How often I choose everything, and everyone but Him. MY JESUS. my protector, healer, friend, lover, Father, provider, comfort, joy, strength, peace. How can I be so foolish to go days without truly being in his presence, without stopping to hear Him speak to the depths of my soul. Why do I CHOOSE to put Him off while I live for myself? How foolish. How sinful. How heart breaking. For me, for Him, for all those I see. For when I choose me, I choose a really nasty person. I choose the gross things, and when I say no to Him- I let go of the ONLY GOOD in me. I don't want to be the Ashton I am without Him, so why do I choose that girl daily.
As I became aware of the sin that so easily entangles me, selfishness, I recognized that when we live in sin in one area, how easy it is for other sins to attach themselves to it. It becomes like a big ball of sticky mess. The good new is, my Jesus, is big enough and willing enough to take care of that sticky mess. He simply wants me to just choose Him.
Dearest Jesus,
I love everything about you. I love the way you are always faithful though I walk away regularly. I love how your love never changes, it is stable and good, even when mine doesn't even look like love at all. I love everything about you. I love that you constantly remind me who I am to you, even when I don't deserve to be reminded. I love you show your promises in the little things to be able to cope with the big. I love that you never quit or run away from me though I fail you time and time again. I love everything about you. Jesus, I love everything about you.
May the words on my lips, the thoughts in my head, the expressions of my heart please you. May my every action put a smile on your face, may my hands serve, and may my feet go to the places you send me. May my heart be ready and my body be willing at all times. Jesus I want to please you, for I love everything about you.
Sincerely,
Your weary one, lost without you
It seems I've got so much bundled up in my heart and mind lately, and I might just explode if I can't get it all, or some of it out soon. My poor boyfriend has to put up with that way too often, so I'll spare him this once.
It's been 2 months and 4 days since I last saw my Gram breathing, and it's been 2 months and 8 days since I last spoke and heard her reply. I miss her, most days I make it just fine. But boy oh boy it's crazy how little it takes for the tears to start rolling again. We've been cleaning out her house a little, which means bringing over LOTS of that stuff to our house and getting rid of what we have. Our family is one of those, REALLY REALLY sentimental fams that loves things with meaning. Things passed down with memories and love, so of course Dad has completely turned our house upside down. Including my bedroom. As silly as this is going to sound...I am NOT looking forward to that. As of right now, my room is completely empty except for my tv and school work scattered across the floor. Tomorrow I get a new bed, a big bed, but it's grams bed. Tomorrow will be when it becomes a little more real that she isn't coming back. Her bed will be mine, and that means she isn't here anymore. I know to most it seems silly, or stupid even but to me it hurts a little..or maybe a lot. I open my hope chest up and I'm taken back by her smell leaking from inside. I walk through my living room and see her smiling face in pictures on end tables. I walk into the kitchen and see her beautiful white cabinet in the corner. I see her everywhere, in everything, yet I miss her so much. But then...I walk through the house and see my mess of things piled high waiting outside my room and amidst the chaos I see the willow tree prayer angel that once sat in her living room. I remember her telling me in that last week how every time she looks at that angel she is reminded of all the prayers going out for her. I won't forget her telling me that, not today, not ever. That's why I HAD to make that angel mine. So although it seems my heart will never quite heal, and I'll always be fighting back tears when I smell her smell or see her memory throughout my house- I will cling to the promises that someone, somewhere is praying for me. I will cling to the fact that I've got a Jesus who LOVES to listen to my own prayers, and loves to comfort me in these times. I remember and pray a prayer that Gram used to pray over me, that God would "open my eyes to spiritual realities and open my ears to hear His voice."
Today I began praying that prayer, like I do so often, on my way to work. I realized how selfishly I live my life. How often I choose everything, and everyone but Him. MY JESUS. my protector, healer, friend, lover, Father, provider, comfort, joy, strength, peace. How can I be so foolish to go days without truly being in his presence, without stopping to hear Him speak to the depths of my soul. Why do I CHOOSE to put Him off while I live for myself? How foolish. How sinful. How heart breaking. For me, for Him, for all those I see. For when I choose me, I choose a really nasty person. I choose the gross things, and when I say no to Him- I let go of the ONLY GOOD in me. I don't want to be the Ashton I am without Him, so why do I choose that girl daily.
As I became aware of the sin that so easily entangles me, selfishness, I recognized that when we live in sin in one area, how easy it is for other sins to attach themselves to it. It becomes like a big ball of sticky mess. The good new is, my Jesus, is big enough and willing enough to take care of that sticky mess. He simply wants me to just choose Him.
Dearest Jesus,
I love everything about you. I love the way you are always faithful though I walk away regularly. I love how your love never changes, it is stable and good, even when mine doesn't even look like love at all. I love everything about you. I love that you constantly remind me who I am to you, even when I don't deserve to be reminded. I love you show your promises in the little things to be able to cope with the big. I love that you never quit or run away from me though I fail you time and time again. I love everything about you. Jesus, I love everything about you.
May the words on my lips, the thoughts in my head, the expressions of my heart please you. May my every action put a smile on your face, may my hands serve, and may my feet go to the places you send me. May my heart be ready and my body be willing at all times. Jesus I want to please you, for I love everything about you.
Sincerely,
Your weary one, lost without you
I lost my Granny December 18, 2011. She was my best friend!! It still hurts and always will, but it seems on the hardest days she is the closest. She loved Red birds, and every time I get to missing her I see a red bird! God is helping me daily with his blessings and letting me know she is near. I hope that with her bed becoming yours you can dream sweet dreams of the great memories you have of her!! God Bless!
ReplyDeleteYou are such an inspiration.. such a HUGE inspiration.
ReplyDeleteLove your post. When you love someone as dearly as you loved your grammy and as I loved my own grandmama, their absence leaves us with such sadness. However, we only have a little while till we will see them again. We can surely hold that promise in our heart and find the joy in that their time with us here was precious. I love you Ashton Shelby Clapp. Keep blogging :)
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. My granny passed away 6-29-09. We cleaned her house out in August. I like you, have a racecar driver as my fiance, my father, and father-in-law. My name is Brittany we've been to dumplin before. I'm from Kentucky and can totally relate so anytime you need to talk you can always email me. brittanydavis22188@gmail.com or my twitter. racergirl334q
ReplyDelete