Not yet my child.

last night i lay in my bed sobbing as i watched the documentary "born into the brothels" once again. only this time i saw it with different eyes...eyes that knew, eyes that had seen. I closed my eyes, and remembered. I watched them film on the crowded streets and pretended i was there beside them. And i stopped...and said, "Lord, ill quit school (again ha) and go there right this instant if you want. just say the words." i sat. i waited. and i heard a soft whisper..."not yet my child, but the time is coming soon." so i lay and wept, and prayed, and wondered where those sweet faces were today. I glanced up at my map on the wall and tried to imagine what was taking place on those streets as i lay in my warm, cozy, comfortable bed....where i don't have to share it with strange men night after night. and my heart ached for those beautiful girls. my heart ached for the rehabs in India, the ones who are searching for a way out, a way to the lover of their soul, a way to the ONLY one who can save them for the walls coming down.


Why Lord does it constantly find it's way into nearly every conversation, why Lord is it always in my thoughts, why Lord am i here when my soul is longing to be there.


Not yet my child, but the time is coming soon.




The Lord willing, we are going to try to go this off season. I AM SO EXCITED! God has been so good to me. I praise Him for the little things...like allowing me to see born into the brothels last night. I can always count on him to constantly keep my fire for india burning. HIS PLANS ARE GOOD. and i love Him for that.

more pictures :)

sweet lady at the nursing home that wanted my pearls.


Gator's first trip!!


precious girls laughing at VBS in the village.


my sweet friends i made at the chinandega dump.


This family came to know Christ 4 months ago,
and their joy truly was from the LORD!


women lined up at the dump for beans and rice.


How can you not believe in a God that creates such beauty?


mud facials by the kids at the caldrans!


my sweet sasilia, and tatiana!

nicaragua.

Last week i got the opportunity to go back to the nation that first stole my heart. the people who first captured all my love. the place God first began prying into my heart. the country i first saw a vision of the things to come in my life.

I finally, after three long years was back in Nicaragua. yet this time, it was different. much much different. I still loved the people. i still enjoyed that beautiful nicaraguan trash smell. i still loved riding in the van and watching people on the streets. i still loved getting down and dirty to hold those precious babies. but something inside me was different. hurting yet complete in a sense.

I had prepared myself for this trip, knowing that i would return and leave knowing one of two things. Either that my heart still pounded the beat of nicaragua- that there was room enough for all the places i love. that every nation God sends me to i would feel equally called to, and that wherever it may be it would feel perfectly right. OR i would return and feel something very different than the previous two trips i made there. something only the Holy Spirit could make right within my own spirit. That i would go and receive confirmation that India was the place for me. That India had my heart, and not just my heart but God 's heart for me. That the beats of my heart still sounded an Indian beat.


And just that happened. i was speechless. almost numb. hurting. yet relieved. yearning. yet content. helpless. yet hopeful. confused. yet satisfied.

I first felt like something had gone terribly wrong, but in the midst of that Go d reassured me that it was okay. different is okay. that He is in control and He knows all things. Let me make sure i make this point...i still love nicaragua, i still love the people, i still felt the need to be there to share Christ with a lost nation. I still enjoyed my week. i still loved, laughed, and cried. But i walked away knowing for whatever reason God has put something extraordinary in my heart for India. He's shed a hope for the plans He has for me there. He's given me a glimpse of His heart for that nation, and it isn't something i can take lightly.

I have no clue as to what that ministry looks like. whether its fu ll time, or just a trip to trip kind of thing. But i do know God's given me a stiring that has yet to be lifted, something special for India that i can't quite explain.

Forever Nicaragua will hold a special place in my heart. Not to say i'll never go back...cause im sure i will. But just in case i don't...I got closure. Questions were answered. And God allowed me one more chance to return to the place that first captured my heart. The place He called me into missions, the place He lit my fire of passion for the lost and broken world.

i feel ready. i feel complete. i feel honored, and humbled. i thank God for that week, i thank Him for his faithfulness. I praise Him for His goodness. I reflect on what all He has done in my life in the past three years, and i rejoice in all of it...both good and bad. I PRAISE HIM TODAY!

looking back and feeling blessed.

ATTENTION ALL: in T-minus 3 weeks and a day i will be back in the land the first stole my heart. Nicaragua. 23 days and i will smell that beautiful smell (at least its beautiful to me) and speak my broken spanish which by now has become quite a show! for the first time in about 3 years i will finally see the smiles and faces of the precious people God used to pry into my heart and set a flame in my soul for missions. I'm anxious and excited to see what God does in me as i return there. I wonder if it will feel the same.

looking back on the past 3 years and what God has done in my heart i am overwhelmed by His goodness. never would i or could i have dreamed the things i have gotten to experience, see, feel, learn, or grow in- yet because of His goodness and grace i've been blessed. I pray this trip will be a time like none before.

i do hope for your prayers as we prepare for this exciting time.

PRAY FOR:
*hearts and spirits to be ready and eager (both ours and theirs)
*all plans and agendas to flow as the Lord would have them to
*God to receive ALL glory, honor, and praise for the days we will spend in preparation and also the days we will spend with the nicaraguans.


PRAISE THE LORD FOR THE GOOD THINGS HE HAS DONE!

in the beating of my heart.

today, yesterday, the days before...i can't seem to get it of my head. it's always there in nearly every thought. multiple times a day something is said that reminds me, and there goes my mind racing once again. i try, yet can't shake it. INDIA. it's back. He won't let me forget my time there isn't finished. There's still more to come. I can't lose heart, i can't lose sight, and i certainly can't forget all the promises He's made. THERE IS HOPE FOR INDIA.

Over the past two weeks God's brought it up over and over again. And I finally realized He's speaking, He's obviously got something important to share with me. So i sit, i wait, and i simply asked...."Okay God, i hear you, but what do i do?"

and He spoke clear as day...Isaiah 23. to be honest, i know very little about the setting of this passage but all i noticed, all i could see was the word: PROSTITUTE splattered in almost every phrase. And it was in that moment, i remembered. I saw their faces flash through my mind, i saw their tears, i felt the darkness once more. it one split second i was back on the street corner in Mumbai, India in the midst of evil all around crying the name of Jesus because nothing else seemed right. The prostitutes. The flowers. The ones that someone has to go mend. Someone has to go make them whole again.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord that He may be glorified." Isaiah 61.


that HE may be glorified. All these things done in order that HE might receive glory. women coming, seeking, and finding rescue and redemption in the very name of Jesus, that HE may be glorified.

My time there isn't finished. I can't lose heart. I can't forget. And not even for myself, but that HE may be glorified.





i must go back.

saying no to everything, to find everything in nothing.

My first struggle about coming home was learning how to be "normal" again.- to interact socially again, to live my life in such a way as to "fit in" with those around me. This in turn led to being home- here i found i didn't want normal anymore. i wanted more, yet i wanted nothing so to speak. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere but here. Then God spoke loud and clear and said "You're home Ashton, Embrace it."

So here i am...i am becoming home- something very dangerous to become. And by that i mean, I'm reaching a state of contentment and comfort in the world, becoming self-sufficient, needing to rely very little on my sweet Savior. It's a scary and dangerous place to be- home. America: a land of endless resources, support, and opportunities. A land where frankly we can survive without even trusting in the Lord. NEW FLASH: i don't want to simply survive. I want to struggle, to need Him, to have that "cant live without Him" motto and it actually be true of my very life.

This is me...being completely open and vulnerable about the struggles I am facing. I have snuck back into a "comfortable" lifestyle when all along that was the one place i wanted to stay far away from. But how do we live in a such a way that our lives don't look like the world? How do we become a living, breathing representation of Romans 12:1-2?

"Therefore I urge you brothers and sisters, in the view of God's mercies to offer your bodies as living sacrifices- holy and pleasing to Him. For this is true worship. Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, perfect, and pleasing will."

That's the journey i am now on- seeking a life fully reliant on Christ when everything i could ever want or need is right before my eyes. To say "no" to everything and find everything in nothing.

betrayal.

I am Judas's kiss but you love me anyway...


Today at church we talked about the last supper, only this time i saw it with new eyes. Taught in a way i'd never really considered. Jesus was loving Judas still, all the time knowing what was to come. He continually reached out to Judas, amidst all he carried with Him. Betrayal. Dirt. Sin. Baggage. Yet, Jesus wanted Him to know, He still was there, He still cared, He still wanted His heart. There was still hope- but Judas walked out.


That's me. I'm Judas. I'm the one who kissed Jesus' cheek. The one who gave him away. The one who sealed the deal. I'm the betrayer. And it breaks me.


Today, I am broken by my sin. Broken by the thoughts of Jesus continually reaching out to me day after day saying, "Ashton, i love you. I trust you. I'm here. You don't have to do this." But just like Judas, i make the choice to walk in betrayal, in selfishness, in disobedience.


I want that to change. I want to receive that love, and let my feet truly be washed. Not just the outward appearance, but my heart- I want my heart attitude to be made clean.


listen to this song, ponder these words- and do what you need to do at the feet of Jesus today.
Sidewalk Prophets- you love me anyway
"I am the thorn in your crown but you love me anyway. I am the sweat from your brow, but you love me anyway. I am the nail in your wrist but you love me anyway. I am Judas' kiss but you love me anyway."