more pictures :)

sweet lady at the nursing home that wanted my pearls.


Gator's first trip!!


precious girls laughing at VBS in the village.


my sweet friends i made at the chinandega dump.


This family came to know Christ 4 months ago,
and their joy truly was from the LORD!


women lined up at the dump for beans and rice.


How can you not believe in a God that creates such beauty?


mud facials by the kids at the caldrans!


my sweet sasilia, and tatiana!

nicaragua.

Last week i got the opportunity to go back to the nation that first stole my heart. the people who first captured all my love. the place God first began prying into my heart. the country i first saw a vision of the things to come in my life.

I finally, after three long years was back in Nicaragua. yet this time, it was different. much much different. I still loved the people. i still enjoyed that beautiful nicaraguan trash smell. i still loved riding in the van and watching people on the streets. i still loved getting down and dirty to hold those precious babies. but something inside me was different. hurting yet complete in a sense.

I had prepared myself for this trip, knowing that i would return and leave knowing one of two things. Either that my heart still pounded the beat of nicaragua- that there was room enough for all the places i love. that every nation God sends me to i would feel equally called to, and that wherever it may be it would feel perfectly right. OR i would return and feel something very different than the previous two trips i made there. something only the Holy Spirit could make right within my own spirit. That i would go and receive confirmation that India was the place for me. That India had my heart, and not just my heart but God 's heart for me. That the beats of my heart still sounded an Indian beat.


And just that happened. i was speechless. almost numb. hurting. yet relieved. yearning. yet content. helpless. yet hopeful. confused. yet satisfied.

I first felt like something had gone terribly wrong, but in the midst of that Go d reassured me that it was okay. different is okay. that He is in control and He knows all things. Let me make sure i make this point...i still love nicaragua, i still love the people, i still felt the need to be there to share Christ with a lost nation. I still enjoyed my week. i still loved, laughed, and cried. But i walked away knowing for whatever reason God has put something extraordinary in my heart for India. He's shed a hope for the plans He has for me there. He's given me a glimpse of His heart for that nation, and it isn't something i can take lightly.

I have no clue as to what that ministry looks like. whether its fu ll time, or just a trip to trip kind of thing. But i do know God's given me a stiring that has yet to be lifted, something special for India that i can't quite explain.

Forever Nicaragua will hold a special place in my heart. Not to say i'll never go back...cause im sure i will. But just in case i don't...I got closure. Questions were answered. And God allowed me one more chance to return to the place that first captured my heart. The place He called me into missions, the place He lit my fire of passion for the lost and broken world.

i feel ready. i feel complete. i feel honored, and humbled. i thank God for that week, i thank Him for his faithfulness. I praise Him for His goodness. I reflect on what all He has done in my life in the past three years, and i rejoice in all of it...both good and bad. I PRAISE HIM TODAY!

looking back and feeling blessed.

ATTENTION ALL: in T-minus 3 weeks and a day i will be back in the land the first stole my heart. Nicaragua. 23 days and i will smell that beautiful smell (at least its beautiful to me) and speak my broken spanish which by now has become quite a show! for the first time in about 3 years i will finally see the smiles and faces of the precious people God used to pry into my heart and set a flame in my soul for missions. I'm anxious and excited to see what God does in me as i return there. I wonder if it will feel the same.

looking back on the past 3 years and what God has done in my heart i am overwhelmed by His goodness. never would i or could i have dreamed the things i have gotten to experience, see, feel, learn, or grow in- yet because of His goodness and grace i've been blessed. I pray this trip will be a time like none before.

i do hope for your prayers as we prepare for this exciting time.

PRAY FOR:
*hearts and spirits to be ready and eager (both ours and theirs)
*all plans and agendas to flow as the Lord would have them to
*God to receive ALL glory, honor, and praise for the days we will spend in preparation and also the days we will spend with the nicaraguans.


PRAISE THE LORD FOR THE GOOD THINGS HE HAS DONE!

in the beating of my heart.

today, yesterday, the days before...i can't seem to get it of my head. it's always there in nearly every thought. multiple times a day something is said that reminds me, and there goes my mind racing once again. i try, yet can't shake it. INDIA. it's back. He won't let me forget my time there isn't finished. There's still more to come. I can't lose heart, i can't lose sight, and i certainly can't forget all the promises He's made. THERE IS HOPE FOR INDIA.

Over the past two weeks God's brought it up over and over again. And I finally realized He's speaking, He's obviously got something important to share with me. So i sit, i wait, and i simply asked...."Okay God, i hear you, but what do i do?"

and He spoke clear as day...Isaiah 23. to be honest, i know very little about the setting of this passage but all i noticed, all i could see was the word: PROSTITUTE splattered in almost every phrase. And it was in that moment, i remembered. I saw their faces flash through my mind, i saw their tears, i felt the darkness once more. it one split second i was back on the street corner in Mumbai, India in the midst of evil all around crying the name of Jesus because nothing else seemed right. The prostitutes. The flowers. The ones that someone has to go mend. Someone has to go make them whole again.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord that He may be glorified." Isaiah 61.


that HE may be glorified. All these things done in order that HE might receive glory. women coming, seeking, and finding rescue and redemption in the very name of Jesus, that HE may be glorified.

My time there isn't finished. I can't lose heart. I can't forget. And not even for myself, but that HE may be glorified.





i must go back.

saying no to everything, to find everything in nothing.

My first struggle about coming home was learning how to be "normal" again.- to interact socially again, to live my life in such a way as to "fit in" with those around me. This in turn led to being home- here i found i didn't want normal anymore. i wanted more, yet i wanted nothing so to speak. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere but here. Then God spoke loud and clear and said "You're home Ashton, Embrace it."

So here i am...i am becoming home- something very dangerous to become. And by that i mean, I'm reaching a state of contentment and comfort in the world, becoming self-sufficient, needing to rely very little on my sweet Savior. It's a scary and dangerous place to be- home. America: a land of endless resources, support, and opportunities. A land where frankly we can survive without even trusting in the Lord. NEW FLASH: i don't want to simply survive. I want to struggle, to need Him, to have that "cant live without Him" motto and it actually be true of my very life.

This is me...being completely open and vulnerable about the struggles I am facing. I have snuck back into a "comfortable" lifestyle when all along that was the one place i wanted to stay far away from. But how do we live in a such a way that our lives don't look like the world? How do we become a living, breathing representation of Romans 12:1-2?

"Therefore I urge you brothers and sisters, in the view of God's mercies to offer your bodies as living sacrifices- holy and pleasing to Him. For this is true worship. Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, perfect, and pleasing will."

That's the journey i am now on- seeking a life fully reliant on Christ when everything i could ever want or need is right before my eyes. To say "no" to everything and find everything in nothing.

betrayal.

I am Judas's kiss but you love me anyway...


Today at church we talked about the last supper, only this time i saw it with new eyes. Taught in a way i'd never really considered. Jesus was loving Judas still, all the time knowing what was to come. He continually reached out to Judas, amidst all he carried with Him. Betrayal. Dirt. Sin. Baggage. Yet, Jesus wanted Him to know, He still was there, He still cared, He still wanted His heart. There was still hope- but Judas walked out.


That's me. I'm Judas. I'm the one who kissed Jesus' cheek. The one who gave him away. The one who sealed the deal. I'm the betrayer. And it breaks me.


Today, I am broken by my sin. Broken by the thoughts of Jesus continually reaching out to me day after day saying, "Ashton, i love you. I trust you. I'm here. You don't have to do this." But just like Judas, i make the choice to walk in betrayal, in selfishness, in disobedience.


I want that to change. I want to receive that love, and let my feet truly be washed. Not just the outward appearance, but my heart- I want my heart attitude to be made clean.


listen to this song, ponder these words- and do what you need to do at the feet of Jesus today.
Sidewalk Prophets- you love me anyway
"I am the thorn in your crown but you love me anyway. I am the sweat from your brow, but you love me anyway. I am the nail in your wrist but you love me anyway. I am Judas' kiss but you love me anyway."

wrapping it all up. a SWEET victory!

so i suppose it's officially time that i close this chapter of my life.

I will never be able to put into words what all i have seen, felt, or heard in the past 2.5 months in India. my heart was mended, cleansed, and broken all at the same time. I've cradled hungry babies in my arms, wiped the tears from their eyes, and snot from their faces. I've kissed more cheeks than i can count and given more bear hugs than i thought was possible. I've poured water down thirsty little throats, and looked dead in the eyes of a beggar woman and told her how much Jesus loves her. I've danced and laughed with children dying of aids, and told devout Hindus and Muslims about the LOVE of the ONE, TRUE God. I've cleaned scabies on a sweet little boy's head days and days in a row. I've walked amidst brothels, laid hands of prayers on prostitutes ,and shared my testimony to a colony of prostitutes. I've touched lepers who haven't been touched or noticed in ages. I've told many slum children about my friend Jesus. I've braided oily hair and painted dirty toe nails. I've laughed and cried. I've ached and prayed. I've stood up for India and fought for the chains that have bound them for so long to be broken. BUT more than all of these things....I HAVE TASTED AND SEEN THAT GOD IS GOOD.

"For the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." :Isaiah 55:9

i will never understand why God chose me to go do this task for him. I'll never understand why i saw the things i did or felt the things i felt. I'll never be able to comprehend why there is so much injustice and why so many people are doing nothing about it. i just won't get it. But God has spoken this scripture to me numerous times when i get frustrated and concerned with these unanswered questions of my heart. He understands things i cannot and i will choose to trust Him in that. For some reason he called me and asked me to Go- so i did. And never will i take that for granted, he knows far better than my mind can even comprehend. So instead of questioning His will and plans, i will stand up and praise Him all the louder. I will praise him for His faithfulness, His goodness, and His grace over the past 2.5 months. I will do all i can to make HIS name be the one ringing in the heavens today, and not my own.

My prayer is that people won't read this blog, see my pictures, hear my stories and think of how great i am. That not one person would choose to believe they couldn't do this very thing I've done. I'm no greater, no bigger, no wiser. I'm just me, chosen. Just like momma and daddy were chosen to be school teachers and they are walking out in that with full obedience. And just like Trevor was chosen and called to be a racecar driver that makes the name of Jesus known. And just like all my friends at this place in life are called to their universities. So was i called to go to the nation of India. Just like all of you who are serving where God has planted you, so i served where He planted me. No different, no better- just with obedience. So today, let's let the name of Jesus ring loud for all the blessings he has bestowed upon my last two and a half months. Let's let him receive the Glory and let's let Him be the one being recognized. For He is BEYOND worthy of that!

My last month and a half in India was when I came alive again. I walked through some tough things within my own personal life. Things that needed to be redeemed, and cleansed. And in this process i experienced what TOTAL surrender looks like. For way too long I'd be holding on to those last little things that i still wanted to control- yet God got my attention and took me on a ride of a lifetime. I've always wanted more in my relationship with Jesus, and yet i had no idea how to obtain a love relationship with Him like i was always taught to have. I just couldn't seem to grasp what it meant to be IN LOVE with Him and not just say it. To all you who have wondered that very thing....its called SURRENDER. and my favorite definition of the word surrender is this: to relinquish possession or control over. And for me, that's what it took. I recognized how useless i am without Christ, and how filthy i am without his forgiveness. I had to take all the things i knew in my head and make them a reality of my heart. God came down and touched me in Jaipur like I've never been touched in my life. He opened my eyes to the things about myself that were unseen to me before, and he showed me what life is really all about. It's about seeking out who He has made me to be, asking what that will take to be that person, walking to the edge of the cliff and just simply taking a jump.

Which brings me to this, i have no idea what is to come. For all of you who have asked what's my next step- your guess is as good as mine. For now, I'm going to take some time to adjust back into normal life and just seek the Lord on where He wants me next. Whether that be school, or to another country again, i hope that I will just find the place He has for me right now doing whatever it is that He wants me to do. He has been faithful thus far, and will continue to be and I know when it's time He will show me EXACTLY what's next. I do know that not only am i closing this chapter of my time in India and the previous three months at YWAM, I am also closing many other chapters of my life. Chapters that i held on to for far too many years, chapters that I am now walking in freedom from and have never been more content. This blog represents victory for me for so many areas of my life that Satan had me bound for so long- NOW....by the grace of JESUS CHRIST i am walking on to a fresh wind of life, a fresh new chapter and actually more than that....i am walking on to the next book. The past 20 years are finished, they've made me the girl i am and now it's time to be the woman God has called me to be.

i love each of you so much, and will never been able to express my gratitude for all your love, support, prayers, and encouragement. Your words and prayers have literally kept me going- and made me appreciate the relationships and people God has given me. I've gained such a respect for each of you because there was never one moment of my time away that I didn't feel loved by you all back at home. Your cards, emails, and comments have made me feel so valued and appreciated and I praise Jesus every single day for each of you. I sure am a lucky little girl! So thank you all so much, you've made coming home such an easy adjustment for me. I hope that I can be as encouraging to you all as you've been to me. Each of you hold such a special place in my heart, right along with my sweet Indian babies....feel special cause that's a HUGE compliment :)

Let me leave you with this....God is in control. His plans are better than our own. He love is never ending and never swerving. He loves you and has exciting things for your life. Just let Him use you WHEREVER he wills and i promise that's when life gains meaning....when you know you are doing the things God has placed before you and being the person He created you to be.